Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
