I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude i'm inner monologue high
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
