I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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