she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
