I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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