I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
