Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
