I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
