I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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