I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
