life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
