He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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