who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
