I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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