Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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