Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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