Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
