Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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