Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We have so much sex to catch up on
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
