I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
