Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
