you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
