i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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