I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
