Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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