I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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