I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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