What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
