My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude i'm inner monologue high
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We need to get me chipped asap
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
