Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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