the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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