A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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