I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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