If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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