I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it hurts more in the daytime
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
