I wish I could punch you in the face.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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