New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
