How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
