So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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