I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
