Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
