talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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