my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
