I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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