Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
