Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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