I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
