Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
