mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
