i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
