I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
