and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
